Insecure

Here it is... I think no one likes me. Really and truly. I can remember being a small child & feeling like my friends didn't really like me. I was probably only 7 or 8 years old when I hid in the woods and listened as my friends and family didn't look for me. That proved it for me. No one would care if I was gone.

When I turned 18 and my father walked out on us I begged him to keep me in his life. He didn't. If my own father doesn't like me, how could anyone else like me?

So now I'm an adult... I have a husband, 2 children... a couple of failed careers... Most of my friends are online because it's easier that way. I never have to worry if they like me or not. They aren't "real", so I can accept the fact that they don't like me. It doesn't hurt as much.

What does hurt is when I feel like my family doesn't like me. Every time they plan a get-together and don't call to invite me my insecurities are reaffirmed. Every time I invite my brothers to do something and they don't bring their wives, my heart breaks because I KNOW they don't like me.

And every time I talk to my husband about how I feel & he gets mad and yells at me and tells me it's my own fault and I'm ruining things for him... Well, it makes me think that he doesn't like me either.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I sound overly dramatic right now. But yes, this is how I really feel. These are my real fears and insecurities. This is what brings me to tears. And I don't know how to get past it.

I'm scared of the day when I start to feel like my own children don't like me.