Reflections on 2010

I'd like to focus on the MANY good things that happened for me and my family in 2010.

January: I quit my job to become a stay-at-home-mom! SAHM is a dream job for me. It's what I've wanted to do my whole life. I'm so grateful that I was able to do this in January, because I was able to spend 1 month at home with just me & Derick. This was a really special time for us to be together before Warren was born.

February: Accomplishment #1 is that I was able to carry a baby to full term! After having an emergency induction with Derick at 36 weeks I was thrilled to be able to keep Warren safe and warm until 2 days before his due date. Accomplishment #2 was the expansion of our family to 4! Warren was born happy & healthy. We had a very short stay at the hospital and were able to come home to be together as a family. I was also lucky enough to have both my Mom & my Mother in Law available to come visit and help around the house.

March: Derick was finally 100% potty trained! I say finally, because it always feels like diapering a child is such a long and tedious process, but in fact, he potty trained very early. This was just the start of many new Big Boy accomplishments for Derick. He's an amazing child, so loving, friendly, smart and respectful. I love him with all of my heart.

April: was spent at home. Doing what we do best - being a family together.

May: was when I learned to wrap a baby! When Derick was small I was always wearing him, but I wore him in a bag sling, a soft structured carrier, a mei tai - I had been intimidated with wrapping and never tried. In May, Chris bought me a Mother's Day/Birthday combo gift - my 1st woven wrap! It was Dolcino Male 5.4m - a lovely, soft, neutral wrap. I quickly discovered that wrapping a baby is THE way to go.

June and July were a blur. Caring for a young baby and a toddler in the heat is rough, but we made it thru. I also started to teach myself to sew....

August was Derick's 3rd birthday and on his birthday our extended famliy all came together to celebrate. It also so happened to be my brother's wedding rehersal. Joel and Natalie were married and we were all part of the wedding party. I never imagined I'd be a bridesmaid at 32 years old! I was really out of my element, but I tried really hard to go with the flow and I think I did a decent job in the end. I beg of you though... if you are reading this and considering asking me to be a part of your wedding... PLEASE find someone else! I really don't enjoy all the pressure that comes with being in someone else's wedding.

September we spent all of our focus on getting some finances in order. Reducing our income so severely this year finally caught up with us and we weren't going to make it unless we got some help. Our mortgage has now been refinanced and we are feeling a lot more comfortable. Of course I'm still significantly delinquent on my student loans, but that's something to tackle in 2011.

October was so much fun preparing for Halloween! Both boys dressed as skeletons for Halloween and were just adorable. Derick had a blast getting ready for Halloween. We went to the pumpkin patch frequently to play with the toys, go thru the maze and just hang out with the pumpkins. We baked pies, pumpkin cake, pumpkin pancakes and pumpkin seeds at home. Daddy and Derick carved pumpkins together.

November was our road trip. We took our 1st family road trip and drove 4,000 miles round trip. We took I80 across the country to New Hampshire where we spent 2 days with Nana & Pop Pop. It was so wonderful to see my grandparents and my children together. My cousins Ed and Chris were all grown up and it was so much fun getting to know them as adults. After we left New Hampshire, we drove down to Long Island and spent almost a week with my Mom. We were able to take Derick on the ferry boat, and show him the lighthouse where we were married. We had lobster dinner and drank local wines. It was heavenly. Both boys were so well behaved on the trip. They slept well in the car and adjusted to life on the road. They were pleasant and happy when they met new family memebers. I couldn't have asked for a better trip.

And that brings us to December. This month I taught myself to knit! We had a wonderful Christmas surrounded by family. But more importantly we've been told there will be 2 new additions to the family next year! Both Joel & Natalie & Scott & Kelly are expecting babies in August 2011. I'm so happy for my brothers.

I hope 2011 is prosperous for all my friends, my family, and myself. I plan to expand my skills - continue to learn new things - seek for additional ways to contribute to my family. Do my best to take care of the people I love.

Happy New Year 2011!

Insecure

Here it is... I think no one likes me. Really and truly. I can remember being a small child & feeling like my friends didn't really like me. I was probably only 7 or 8 years old when I hid in the woods and listened as my friends and family didn't look for me. That proved it for me. No one would care if I was gone.

When I turned 18 and my father walked out on us I begged him to keep me in his life. He didn't. If my own father doesn't like me, how could anyone else like me?

So now I'm an adult... I have a husband, 2 children... a couple of failed careers... Most of my friends are online because it's easier that way. I never have to worry if they like me or not. They aren't "real", so I can accept the fact that they don't like me. It doesn't hurt as much.

What does hurt is when I feel like my family doesn't like me. Every time they plan a get-together and don't call to invite me my insecurities are reaffirmed. Every time I invite my brothers to do something and they don't bring their wives, my heart breaks because I KNOW they don't like me.

And every time I talk to my husband about how I feel & he gets mad and yells at me and tells me it's my own fault and I'm ruining things for him... Well, it makes me think that he doesn't like me either.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I sound overly dramatic right now. But yes, this is how I really feel. These are my real fears and insecurities. This is what brings me to tears. And I don't know how to get past it.

I'm scared of the day when I start to feel like my own children don't like me.