Heartsy

The last time

I had no idea that this morning would be the last time I breastfed my son.

He went to bed last night & only nursed on one side & it was just for a minute or two. I thought it was odd, but I kinda just assumed he'd wake up in a bit & remember that he wanted a full belly before he STTN. He didn't wake up until his normal morning time nursing session. I took him into my bed & nursed him for a bit, but again it was just 1 side. I wasn't concerned since my other nipple feels like he's been chewing thru it right now.

That was the last time he nursed. Around 8 am this morning. He never asked for milk all day long. He took 2 naps & went right to sleep without any milk. He drank his cup milk throughout the day. When bedtime came I asked him if he was tired. He walked to his bedroom; I followed. I scooped him up, gave him the pacifier, turned on his music & turned off the lights, layed him in his crib, tucked the blankets in around him & left the room.

I feel full and painful right now. A little bit sad. A little bit free. I feel like nursing my babies is something I'm really good at... I hope I get the opportunity to do it with 1 more baby. Only time will tell...

Bartleby

Bartleby was the coolest dog I've ever known.

When Chris & I started dating we immediately moved in together & started talking about getting a dog. We did a lot of research & he decided he really wanted a Newfoundland. One Friday I was looking online at a local rescue that only does adoptions on Saturdays & they listed that they had 4 Newfie mix puppies. I convinced Chris we should go check them out. So that morning we drove up to the shelter, waited for them to open, we were the 1st ones up to the pen with the Newfies in there & we got 1st pick of the litter. There were 2 puppies up at the front checking out all the people, 1 puppy cowering in the back & 1 in the middle just doing his own thing. We picked the puppy in the middle. They brought him to a little pen for us to get to know him. Chris & I each sat on the ground & we let the puppy come to us when he was ready. He crawled up into my lap, snuggled in & took a nap. I was hooked. He was a rolly polly ball of black fluff. We packed him into Chris's Ford Ranger & he sat on the center console between the two of us. On the drive home we discussed names and agreed, he was Bartleby. (from the movie Dogma)

We took Bartleby a lot of places. His 1st trip with us was to the pet store of course (he peed on the floor). But some of the more memorable trips were the camping trip when we tried to teach him to swim & he ran away & hid under a truck. Or the the time we took him to Long Island & he tried to swim to Conneticut! There was also the time we took him to Kentucky... we stayed in a hotel & got 2 beds so Bartleby would have a comfortable place to sleep. We had to force him on to the bed & as soon as we ignored him, he jumped back down onto the floor.

Bartleby was smart. He always knew his place in the world & he was content being in his place. He knew plenty of commands, but he also invented his own tricks. When I dropped something on the floor and said "uh-oh" he would pick it up for me every time. This morphed into him randomly finding things out of place and bringing them to me too... even food that had fallen out of the pantry! He knew that dogs don't belong in the kitchen when humans are eating. He knew that cats are to be respected and ignored. He knew that small babies are dnagerous, but big kids are fun. He loved everyone. A friend of mine once said "Bartleby, you're just like your mom; You love everyone!". Bartleby's love is what motivated me to become a vet tech. The only job I ever truly loved, all because of the dog I loved.

Bartleby turned 10 this month and he was headed down hill. He's been slower, gassier, and just not himself. The other day he stopped eating. Then he started to vomit up his water. When he got up today he struggled to walk and my heart broke. I knew it was time to let him go, but we weren't ready. I wasn't ready to call my husband at work and tell him that we needed to euthanize our best friend. I wasn't ready to explain to my 3 year old that his dog wasn't coming home with us. But it had to be done. We took him to the hospital where I used to work. We had an old friend euthanize him while Chris & I told him he was a good dog. And when we got home Derick said "I'm so sad that Bartleby is gone".

This wound will not heal for a long time. Bartleby will be missed.

I want to be an extreme couponer!

So I'm researching, clipping, and prepping to go to the store tomorrow... I'll update to let you know how it goes.

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Choose The Right.

The other day my husband was telling me out the recent trouble Kobe Bryant got into. I guess he called a ref a bad name and he's being defended by his fans because they claim he was just joking around and the words he used shouldn't be taken so seriously.

I find this very alarming. It seems that in modern society people incorporate condescending language into their daily lives and think that somehow frequent usage of those words makes the words less hurtful. It's just slang after all, right?

Bitch, whore, fag, (the n word) are all inappropriate terms and should not be taken lightly in my opinion. Just because you throw these words into your daily vocabulary does not make them acceptable. I believe that the root of the problem is just that; friends laugh and have fun at another person's expense and their constant use of these words makes them complacent to the power of these words. This can create a mob-mentality and opens the door for cyber bullying. Sadly, these behaviors do cross the borders of all social groups. It is not limited to the under-educated, the youth, or any other social group.

I recently witnessed a bit of "joking" around between some women who are my online friends. We have a small, private group of friends who post regularly about very private subjects. Yesterday I discovered a discussion that left a bitter taste in my mouth. "Susie" and "Sally" were complaining that "Betty" plagiarized some of "Susie's" writings. When "Sally" questioned "Betty" as to the origin of her writings, "Betty" said she saw it somewhere & liked it so much, she decided to use it too. "Susie" and "Sally" then came back to their private group of friends and bashed "Betty" (who is not a member of the private group). They called her names like whore and skank. It was even once said by someone that they wanted her to die, but that statement was immediately altered and it was stated that in fact, no one actually wanted "Betty" to die. There were many other friends who chimed in to laugh out loud, or basically egg the bullying on.

I adamantly believe that there is no protection from being offended. It is my personal responsibility to control the information that I allow to affect me and if I do feel offended it is my responsibility to remove myself from the situation. But on the other hand, I could no sit by and let these women, my friends, continue spewing such hateful things. I had to speak up. Here is what I wrote (edited for anonymity)...

"I'm probably going to get bashed for this but I have to say it... this thread makes me really uncomfortable. Imitation is supposed to be the highest form of flattery. IMO you should be flattered that your (writings) made such an impression on that mama that she remembered it & wanted to use it herself. To bash her so thoroughly and call her such hateful names seems very immature & clique-ish.
I enjoy being a part of this group when we can stand together as women/mothers/wives and encourage each other to live our lives as honest people and support each other when the going gets rough. I won't participate when the mob mentality kicks in. This thread crosses a line for me."

I can't be sure how my words were "heard", but I can tell you my intention was to put a stop to the behavior without sounding bossy or mean. I wanted to encourage my friends to step it up and be leaders, not to drag each other down. Sadly, I did not receive the response I had hoped for. I was told that they were just joking around, it was all in good fun, and that basically I should be okay with it too because they are all sitting there behind their computers laughing at the screens.

WHICH IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM WITH OUR SOCIETY! Just because you are having fun, doesn't make it right. *sigh* I'm glad I swallowed my fear of speaking out & said what I did. I'm sad that my friends aren't the women I thought they were. I hope we can move past this and continue our friendships... only time will tell.

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